Is It Grief or Depression? Understanding Ambiguous Loss in Motherhood
Introduction
Motherhood is often celebrated as a time of joy, bonding, and personal growth. But many women experience a confusing undercurrent of grief. It is not always tied to a death or tragedy. Sometimes, it is a quiet ache for who they used to be, the life they once had, or the expectations that never became reality.
If you feel like something is missing but cannot quite name it, you may be experiencing ambiguous loss. This kind of loss is real, painful, and often misunderstood. At Support Me Psychotherapy, we help women understand these invisible emotional wounds and explore how therapy can provide relief, meaning, and healing.
What Is Ambiguous Loss?
Ambiguous loss is a term introduced by family therapist Dr. Pauline Boss to describe a kind of grief that lacks closure or clarity. It is the loss of something vital, even if it is not physically gone. It could be a person, a dream, a role, or even a part of yourself.
In the context of motherhood, ambiguous loss can show up in many ways:
Missing the freedom and identity you had before becoming a parent
Grieving a birth experience that felt traumatic or disempowering
Feeling disconnected from your body or emotions
Losing the version of motherhood you imagined
Experiencing relationship strain that leaves you feeling alone
Mourning career shifts or halted personal goals
Navigating postpartum mental health challenges that alter your sense of self
Unlike more visible losses, ambiguous loss is not socially recognized. There are no rituals for it, no condolences, and often no validation. This can make the grief even more isolating.
How It Differs from Depression
Ambiguous loss and depression often overlap, but they are not the same.
Depression is a mental health condition that involves ongoing sadness, hopelessness, changes in appetite or sleep, and difficulty enjoying life. It can include physical symptoms and may require clinical treatment, especially if suicidal thoughts are present.
Ambiguous loss, on the other hand, is a response to something that has changed or disappeared emotionally. It is often more situational, rooted in transition, uncertainty, or unmet expectations.
Some signs that you may be experiencing ambiguous loss rather than clinical depression:
You feel a sense of longing or “missing something”
You are able to function, but feel emotionally distant
Your emotions come in waves or are hard to explain
You are grieving something you cannot name or talk about
You feel guilt for not being “grateful enough” as a parent
Of course, ambiguous loss can lead to or coexist with depression, especially if left unacknowledged. Understanding the difference is not about diagnosis. It is about clarity, validation, and getting the support you need.
What Ambiguous Loss Looks Like in Real Life
Women experiencing ambiguous loss often share similar thoughts, even if their circumstances differ. You might recognize yourself in these examples:
“I love my child, but I miss the version of me before all of this.”
“My birth was healthy, but I still feel hurt and hollow.”
“Everyone tells me to be thankful, but I am just tired and sad.”
“I do not feel like myself anymore, and I do not know how to get back there.”
“No one sees what I am going through. They think I am fine.”
These feelings are not dramatic or selfish. They are common and valid responses to a life transition that often changes everything without warning.
A deeper understanding of these invisible forms of grief can be found through CAMH’s resources on mental health and grief, which explore how complex emotional responses affect day-to-day well-being.
Why It Hurts So Much
Grief that is not acknowledged cannot be processed. When others dismiss your sadness with phrases like “you should be happy” or “this is what you signed up for,” it becomes harder to trust your own emotions.
Ambiguous loss is particularly painful because:
There is no closure, and often no clear starting point
Others may not see or validate your pain
The grieving process can feel confusing and non-linear
The loss often touches on core identity, autonomy, or purpose
You may feel guilt or shame for feeling what you feel
In motherhood, ambiguous loss can be layered with fatigue, hormonal shifts, and role overload. It is not simply a mental health issue, it is a full-body, full-life experience that deserves compassion and care.
How Therapy Helps You Heal
Therapy offers a space to say the quiet part out loud. You do not have to justify your feelings or meet anyone’s expectations. In therapy, you are allowed to grieve, reflect, and reconnect with parts of yourself that may feel lost.
Here is how we support women navigating ambiguous loss:
1. Naming What Was Lost
Often, the first step is simply finding language for what you are feeling. Together, we identify the parts of your story that hold pain, confusion, or loss. These could include:
The shift from independence to constant caregiving
The disconnection from your body or sexuality
The disappearance of personal time, friendships, or creativity
A sense of safety or trust that was broken after a difficult birth
Once you can name the loss, it becomes something you can work with rather than something that silently controls your emotions.
2. Validating the Experience
One of the most powerful aspects of therapy is being heard without judgment. We take your emotions seriously. Whether you are feeling sadness, resentment, emptiness, or confusion, it all matters. You do not need to explain it away or compare your experience to someone else's.
Grief without validation stays stuck. Grief with compassion begins to move.
3. Exploring Identity and Self
Motherhood can blur the lines between who you were, who you are, and who you are becoming. Many women lose track of their sense of self while trying to meet the needs of everyone else. Therapy gives you space to ask the important questions:
What parts of me feel lost?
What do I want to reclaim or rediscover?
What values do I want to bring forward into this next chapter?
You are more than a role. You are still you and you deserve to be known.
4. Processing Guilt, Resentment, and Mixed Emotions
It is common to feel conflicting emotions in motherhood. You may feel grateful and trapped, joyful and overwhelmed, loving and resentful all at once. Therapy helps you normalize these emotions and reduce the inner shame that often comes with them.
Instead of fighting how you feel, we explore how to move through it with grace and clarity.
5. Creating Rituals for Closure
Even without a clear ending, it is possible to create symbolic closure. Therapy may include:
Writing letters to your past or future self
Developing rituals for reflection or letting go
Practicing mindfulness or journaling to track emotional shifts
Marking anniversaries or milestones that feel emotionally significant
These small, personal acts can offer structure, meaning, and peace.
You can also explore reflections and parent stories through the Pacific Post Partum Support Society, which addresses identity loss and emotional struggle after childbirth with powerful insight and validation.
How to Know It Is Time for Support
You do not have to wait for a breaking point to seek help. Therapy is not just for crisis, it is for understanding, prevention, and healing.
Consider reaching out if:
You feel emotionally stuck or disconnected from yourself
You are grieving something you cannot name
You feel invisible in your relationships or daily life
You want clarity, compassion, or tools for moving forward
You are ready to rebuild your sense of identity
You Deserve Support for the Things Others Cannot See
Ambiguous loss is invisible to most people but not to you. If you feel like you are carrying something heavy without language, space, or recognition, therapy can help you make sense of it all.
Support Me Psychotherapy offers:
Virtual sessions across Ontario
Culturally sensitive, trauma-informed care
Specialized therapy for women navigating motherhood and identity
Services covered by most extended health benefits
Book your free 30-minute consultation. Support that fits your life is only a click away 💜